A Visit To Gryffindor Tower (finished)
by lone astronomer
Summary: Everyone's favorite Seekers have a heart-to-heart and do some exploring into the world of fanfiction. Latest chapter: Can Harry & co. escape from egroups.com?
1. A Meeting

A Visit To Gryffindor Tower:

An Exercise in Insanity

By lone astronomer

Summary: Everyone's favorite Seekers have a little talk with my muse, discuss fanfiction, and generally have a good time.

WARNING: More (plot-)holes than a piece of Swiss cheese.

Disclaimer: Everyone is J. K. Rowling's except for Janine and Mary Sue.

****

IMPORTANT: This is not meant to be offensive to anyone; I am making fun of everything in this fic and it's all exaggerated. Most of the scenarios mentioned are well-written and a good read anyway. Like I said, _this is not meant to be a slam against anyone_. It is just meant as speculation as to how Harry and Draco might react if they knew what people write about them. Ta ta… ~ l. a.

It began with a simple key, one that could unlock no doors but lock many caps. In fact, that very key began a great many more things, none of which I shall bother to ramble on about in such a tiny kilobyte allotment. 'It' could be explained quite simply by three people, all of which can be found at Hogwarts. Therefore, this is where I shall bring you, through the plot-hole, to the center of many fanfiction worlds: the Gryffindor Tower.

Even as we sat there, interviewee number one was making his way towards us. His footsteps could be heard outside the portrait hole and he whispered the password, although, as a Slytherin, he really shouldn't have known it. Another use for the plot-hole. 

"Potter?" he said into the darkness. He didn't know we were there; there was no need to whisper.

The Gryffindor Seeker appeared out of the shadows as if by magic, which it probably was. "Hello, Malfoy," Harry answered, rubbing sleep from emerald eyes. "Have a seat."

Draco did, letting out a sigh as he did so. "How come Gryffindor gets all the comfy chairs?"

Harry shrugged. "I dunno."

Draco, sensing that the author was far too lazy to write a dialogue of smalltalk between two bitter mortal enemies, conveniently got straight to the point. "The reason you brought me here wasn't to talk about furniture, was it?"

Harry shook his head gravely. "Not really. Let's cut the bullshit straight to the chase, Draco. When was the last time you fell in love with Hermione?"

Draco checked his ordinary, Muggle watch. "Two hours, fifteen minutes ago. You?"

Harry grinned, an insincere expression. "I've got you beat. One hour, eleven seconds."

Draco grimaced. "Ouch. Is it that bad?"

Harry covered his face with his hands. "In the last hour, I've had sex twelve times: three with Hermione, twice with Ginny, once each with you and Ron, and five times with a girl I don't know who is either your twin sister or Voldemort's daughter."

Draco blinked. "Go back to the part where you listed the people you had sex with again?"

Harry smiled humorlessly. "It's true. Oh, did I forget to mention Snape?"

Draco spit out his champagne, which had come straight out of a very generous plot hole, as there is no wine cellar in the Gryffindor Tower. "Snape? Ew. That's just immoral."

"You'd know," Harry answered absently. "According to this," he held up a sheet of diagnostic info straight from the plot-hole, "you've slept with him twice."

Now the champagne glass hit the floor. "I _what_?! Where are you getting all this from?"

A voice filled their ears, and we in the shadows cowered in fear. "I think I can help answer that," it said slowly.

Draco and Harry looked around. "Where's that coming from?" Draco asked.

Harry gave him Hermione's know-it-all look. "From the plot-hole, of course!"

Draco looked up just in time to see a tall, thin, laid-back brunette step from the abyss. She was dressed totally in leather like someone straight out of _The Matrix_, and carried a small briefcase. "Who are you?"

She grinned evilly and we in the shadows made little crosses with our fingers and shrank back. "A muse, my dear, simply a muse." The smile disappeared and she was suddenly all business. "You can call me Janine."

Harry looked at her a moment. "Slytherin, right?" he finally asked.

A single nod confirmed his suspicions.

"Figures they'd send a whacked-out evil muse to answer my questions," Harry grumbled.

Janine looked mildly offended. "Who said I was whacked-out?" She corrected herself, "I mean, evil?"

Harry shrugged, as if the answer were totally obvious. "Slytherin, remember?"

"Shut up, Potter."

"Ladies first, Malfoy," Harry answered automatically. "Anyway, Janine, can you show Draco what I'm talking about?"

Janine nodded, unzipping her briefcase. She slid out a long, inch-and-a-half thick box and her wand, then muttered a few spells. 

"What's that?" Draco asked.

Janine looked up over the wire rims of her glasses. "My host's father's laptop, of course."

"Oh." Draco said. 

"Just nod and act like you understand," Harry advised. "You'll get the gist of it in a minute."

Draco watched as the screen on the little computer lit up and changed colors. "I thought Muggle electrical equipment didn't work on Hogwarts grounds," he said, even more confused. 

Janine just gave him another elusive smile and secured another wire through the gaping, formless void. "That's what the plot-hole is here for, silly."

"Oh, right," Draco said, even though he had no idea what she was doing."

"So where are we going to today, Harry?" Janine asked, typing in various URLs and scanning through her egroups memberships.

"Let's start at the beginning," Harry said solemnly. "Take him to fanfiction.net."

Janine hissed, looking frightened. "Are you sure you want to do that, Harry? On his first visit? With all the-"

"Just do it," Harry said. "Ask questions later."

"Okay," Janine said doubtfully, holding out the mouse. "Everyone grab hold. We'll be transported in about-"

No sooner than Draco and Harry had placed their hands atop hers, they felt pulling sensations behind their navels. _I hate travelling by Port Rodent_, Draco thought darkly. _Evil, evil things, they are_.

They came out in the laptop screen, two-dimensional cartoons that looked like they had been drawn by an extremely creative and obsessed teenager. "Hey," Draco asked, examining his hands and clothing, "What's with the leather?"

Harry sighed, running his fingers back through very gelled hair. "Better not to ask. Where are we, anyway, Janine?"

Janine took out her map and pointed out a particular area. "The Harry Potter section."

"No fair," Draco said. "You're a whiny scar-head and there's a section named after you?"

Harry snorted. "You can have it if you want it. Check out what's there."

Draco looked around, suddenly aghast. Leading out from him were six different pathways, each labeled with its own roadsign. "General," he read. "Horror, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Humor, and-" his eyes bulged. "_What_ is _that_?!"

Harry shook his head. "Romance section. Best not to venture over there."

"I'll take your word for it," Draco said. "What are those?" He pointed to the thick books hanging from every sign.

"Directories," Janine answered, picking one up. "A complete list of everyone in that section and where they are living." She flipped it open to the first page. "In the General section, for example," she said, "there are three different subdivisions. Mary-Sue-Cul-de-sac, Voldemort's Plan-Land, and Prongston."

"That sounds evil," Draco said. Still, his mind rested on the grossly mutated Romance section. "But what happened over _there_?" he asked, pointing down the path.

Harry shuddered. "It's a long story. Like I said, better not to ask."

Draco, not to be deterred by a whiny scar-head, picked up the directory and almost fainted. _Mary-Sue-ville, Draco's Twin Sister, Self-Insertion Village, Tragic MWPP Flings, …_ the list went on and on. "Malfoy Lovers Anonymous?" Draco whispered, looking to Janine for clarification.

Janine nodded sagely. "I think it's time we showed him…" she said to Harry.

Harry bit his lip and swallowed hard. "Okay…"

At an encouraging glance from Janine, Harry and Draco followed her up a column of letters, trying not to read them for fear of what might happen. Finally, they reached the top. Janine took out her pen and scribbled into the URL address form, and suddenly the Harry Potter section of fanfiction.net was far behind them.

"Where are we?" Draco asked, looking around.

"Egroups.com," Janine answered, climbing back down again and jumping on a button that said, 'Files.' "This is a part of the 'web where you're quite popular, you two. I advise caution if you ever explore it on your own. Your egos might inflate considerably."

Harry took a deep breath. "Where to first?"

"Just a few chapters of a story or two," Janine said elusively, picking a random chapter and dragging them in with her. 

Draco's mouth dropped open when he saw the scene. "Cool sword!" he said, eyes wide. Then, "Wait a minute. I'm wearing twenty pounds of leather. _Why_ am I always wearing leather? Someone explain, please."

Janine gave him a look. "Of _course_ you're wearing leather," she said. "You're almost as dead sexy as Sirius."

Draco's silver eyes widened. "Pardon me?"

She shrugged. "Well, you are…"

Malfoy definitely didn't like the look she was giving him. It made him feel like she was undressing him mentally. _Yuck. She's a muse, for Christ's sake!_

Harry broke in. "What's that about my godfather being dead sexy?"

Janine smacked herself on the forehead. "That's right, I almost forgot. Character sketches!"

Harry and Draco exchanged glances. "What?"

She shook her head. "Just follow me."

A few minutes later, they were both considerably awed. "That's Ron's _sister_?" Harry breathed, eyes wide. "Good God…"

"And here I thought a character sketch was just a rough outline of a character's personality," Draco said, looking like a kid in a candy shop. "I'll never make fun of Hermione's hair again, Harry…"

"Hey," Harry said, gesturing to an incredibly handsome cartoon guy in a leather jacket. "Who's that?"

"Who do you expect?" Janine laughed. "It's Draco, of course."

Draco's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "I am a sexy _god_," he breathed. "If I were female, I'd want me, too."

Harry covered his face with his hands. "Why am I beginning to think that this was a very bad idea?"

"Anyway," Janine said, "it's time to get back. You guys have Defense Against the Dark Arts tomorrow- I hear Professor Lupin's back."

Harry nodded. "About time, t- _Wait_ a second. How would you know about that?"

Janine grinned. "I have my sources…"

Harry got a sudden mental image of Janine's briefcase, Muggle photographs and hand-drawn sketches of the professor plastered all over it. "Oh, no… you're one of… _them_."

Draco took a step back, pulling Harry in front of him for protection. "We have to get out of here, Potter…"

"I don't know the way back," Harry confessed. "I think we're stuck…"

The last thing Draco remembered before he passed out was Janine coming towards him, fountain-pen-slash-wand in hand.

THE END…?


	2. Return To the 'Net

A Visit To Gryffindor Tower II:

Return To Hogwarts

lone astronomer

Summary: Eheh… due to overwhelming response on the last one (Thank you, thank you, _thank_ you!) I've decided to post… part two. New and improved, with Sirius, Remus, Hermione and Ron thrown in for good measure.

Cassandra Claire: Does that mean Draco is still alive? _Tell me it means he's alive-_ I'll just go _crazy_ if he's dead… uh, I just had a weird mental image of Draco as a leather-wearing angel(yes, Starling, that is a hint!). And, I am not really sorry to say, we don't get rid of those pants in this episode. Also, horribly sorry, but I'm an incorrigible Ron/Hermione person…

Which reminds me… Starling is the one I was referring to as the talented and obsessed teenager. That is, I'm assuming that's right; correct me if I'm wrong.

And so without further ado…

__

A Visit To Gryffindor Tower II: Return to Hogwarts

With a lightning strike that was far too convenient to actually be coincidental, our heroes reappeared in Gryffindor tower. The laptop was still sitting on the table by the plot-hole, and Draco was still wearing the leather pants, which were unzipped. He noticed, and fixed the problem. "Would someone care to explain that?" he was about to ask into the darkness, when he heard a strange noise.

He whispered to Harry, "Potter, what's that noise?"

Harry's face turned whiter than normal. "Oh, no," he said. "They're here."

Draco blinked. "_Who_?"

Harry flicked on the light, eliciting colorful curses from the Tower's other occupants. "_Them_."

Draco covered his eyes and turned away from the scene before him. "Oh, Salazar. I'm going to have nightmares until I'm eighty!"

Hermione sat up, straightening her robes as she went. Eyeing Draco (and his pants) suspiciously, she asked, "Did I… _miss_ something, Harry?"

Harry waggled his eyebrows, grinning at her, and at Ron, who was on the floor. "Did _I_?" He got a pillow in the face, but it was worth it.

Ron got off of the floor, still red-faced and, seeing Malfoy, burst into laughter.

"Laugh it up, Weasel," Draco said. "You're the one with lipstick on his face, not me."

Ron scowled. 

Hermione interrupted the brewing fight, "Does this have a point?" she asked. "And why _are_ you wearing twenty pounds of tight, sexy leather, Malfoy?"

Draco shrugged helplessly. "Long story. And the point is-"

There was another crack of lightning and, just for effect, the lights went out again. Harry swore, Hermione screamed and jumped into Ron's arms, and Draco fought the urge to laugh out loud. "You know what this means, don't you?" he asked.

Draco nodded, and the plot-hole began to glow. "Prepare for visitors, everyone." Struggling out of his leather jacket (_yes_, he had a shirt on underneath and _no_, it wasn't one of those sexy white tank-top things), he found refuge behind an overstuffed chair.

There was a glowing blue light- almost like plasma- for a few seconds, and then there were more voices. "This seems oddly familiar…" the first one said.

__

So does his voice, Harry thought, concentrating. Then, "Sirius?" He stepped out from the shadows- 

And stopped short. It was Sirius, all right, but he was roughly sixteen years old again, clad in (you guessed it) leather, and accompanied by a rather handsome young man who looked like he had seen his fair share of tragedy.

Sirius' eyes widened. "James? Why are your eyes green? And what's that on your head?"

Draco almost laughed out loud until Sirius' companion spotted him. "Malfoy?" the boy who had become Professor Lupin exclaimed. "What are you doing in Gryffindor Tower?" He reached for his wand.

"Professor Lupin?" Hermione returned, eyes wide.

Ginny, unfortunately, chose this moment to come traipsing down the stairs from her dorm. "Is everything okay down here? I thought I heard someone scream-ing…" She trailed off as she caught sight of two things which caused her already large eyes to grow further. The first was Hermione in Ron's arms, and made her want to laugh until she cried; the second was Sirius and Draco in leather, which also made her want to cry, but in a very different way. "Who are you?" she asked, meaning Sirius, then turned to Draco, "And when did you get so sexy?"

Harry and Draco both put their hands over their eyes. "It's a very long story, actually."

"How did we get here?" Remus finally found his voice. "I have the feeling something is-" he caught sight of Ginny for the first time. "Lily?! Did you get pulled here, too?"

"Who?" Ginny asked, confused. (Harry turned very, very red.) "Get pulled here? No, I was just sleeping upstairs. Anyway, who are you?"

"Sirius Black," and, "Remus Lupin," they answered at the same time. Sirius continued, "Anyway, you _wouldn't_ know how we got here… would you?"

Harry looked at Draco before explaining. "Well, see, we kind of… might have… annoyed this muse… her name was Janine, or something like-"

"Janine?" Sirius repeated, eyes the size of Gobstones. He looked at Remus.

"The astronomer," they said together, groaning and collapsing on the couch. 

"I should have known this was coming…"

"Who?" Ginny asked again, in harmony with Hermione this time.

"Long story," Remus answered. 

"Why am I dressed in leather?" Sirius asked finally. "I mean, when I go out biking, I can understand, but apparently we're at Hogwarts… and here I thought it was summer break…"

"Long story," Draco and Harry chorused.

Everyone else just looked confused. "Look, you'd better sit down," Harry said. "Hermione, do you know how to work a laptop?"

She nodded, "Of course I do!"

Draco managed to look scared and relieved all at the same time. "Good." He gestured to the computer on the table. "You want to log on to fanfiction.net, then click the 'Harry Potter' link."

"Fanfiction.net?" Hermione asked, eyebrows raised, but did as she was told. "Okay, we're-"

There was another flash of blue plasma-like light, and they were all gone.

They reappeared, of course- skillfully drawn and two-dimensional, and all looking like they should be in a Gap commercial advertisement. Hermione looked down at herself. _Well, I can't actually say this is a bad thing,_ she thought to herself, grinning sheepishly. (Until she noticed Draco staring at Ginny, jaw dangling somewhere around his knees; that really just put her off.) "Where are we?" Ron asked, looking around. There were six small road-signs leading in different directions and there was a trapdoor and lever below them which read 'back to fanfiction.net home'. 

"Hell, to be precise," Harry muttered, picking up one of the huge directories beneath the Romance sign. "Take a look for yourself."

Ron's eyes widened; he nearly dropped the book before passing it off to Hermione. Hermione, in turn, passed it to Ginny, who snorted aloud. "Malfoy Lovers Anonymous?" But the incredulous look faded when she remembered how good he looked in leather, and she wasn't surprised at the numbers listed in that column.

From there, the directory visited Sirius and Remus, who didn't look as confused as they had been before their exclamation of, 'the astronomer'. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Remus asked, then slapped a hand across his mouth. "_Why_ can't I stop saying that?!"

"Come on," Draco said, taking charge. "There's one more site we have to visit."

So they climbed up the column of letters, doing their best not to read them, and ended up in a box. Draco took out his wand. "Egroups.com," he said.

Nothing happened.

Harry grinned maliciously and pulled out his quill, writing the words Draco had just said. All of Janine's member groups popped up, and his eyes widened. "Uh oh. Do you remember which one it was, Malfoy?"

"How could I forget that sword?" (_Or kissing Fleur like that. Ew._) "Paradigm of Uncertainty," he said.

After mere moments, everyone was speechless except Remus, Harry, and Draco- Remus because he'd almost never been portrayed and was quite thankful the astronomer hadn't an artistic flare, and the others because they had seen it before.

"Herm," Ron said, "you're a sexy goddess."

Harry snorted. "Ron, look at your _sister_-"

Ginny turned a bright red and muttered something about Draco, then, mortified, buried her head in her hands. "Can we go home now?" she asked.

"We could," Harry said.

"There's just one problem." Everyone looked at Draco (especially Ginny and Herm). "We don't know how."

The End…?

J ta ta now, 

__

l. a.


	3. Escape From Paradise

A Visit To Gryffindor Tower: 

Escape From Paradise

By lone astronomer

Summary: Can Harry and the rest of the gang escape from egroups.com? This one's more of a… sort of MST for Draco Sinister 9… but it's still pretty close to the original two. And it's the end. And it's the best one of the series. I'm so proud.

Disclaimer: Unless I'm much mistaken, Lori, Cassandra Claire, Penny & Carole run the PoU e-group thing; Cassandra Claire wrote Draco Dormiens and Draco Sinister (Yay!); I believe it was rave who drew 'Beach Blanket Hermione'; and Harry Potter (and all that the name entails) belong/s to J. K. Rowling.

Warning: Still stands. More (plot-)holes than my brother's gym socks.

On with the show…

It took a moment for Draco's news to sink in. Finally, Hermione spoke. "You mean… we're stuck here," she said finally, eyes wide with fright.

"Gee, Hermione," Draco said, "you're real quick on the uptake today."

Hermione glowered at him. "Shut up."

Neither of them noticed the huge, dark shadow looming above them until it was too late. Harry looked up and gasped, an expression that reminded Draco of two eggs, sunny-side up, and a sausage, on his face. "Uh oh…"

Draco, too, looked up just in time to see a huge confabulation of text slam down on top of them.

Sirius rubbed his head, flinging the letters from his hair, and stood up. "Where are we?" he asked, looking around. "This doesn't look like one of the astronomer's fics."

Remus, too, surveyed the landscape. "Looks like-" he started. "Ow! Owww!! Ouch! Hey, watch it!" 

Sirius regarded him. Evidently the trip to fanfic-land hadn't done much for Remus' lingering sanity. "What?"

"It feels like someone is trying to pull me through a Portkey," Remus explained, "only, slower and with more pain." (A/n for Cassandra Claire- Is that what the Calling feels like? I don't know.)

There was another conspicuous lightning-strike, and a voice seemed to whisper, _Morphinio_. Remus immediately straightened and waved to the air. "Thanks, Janine!"

Sirius scowled. "How come Janine likes _you_?" he asked.

Remus shrugged. "It's a girl thing. They like to take care of people." 

By that time, Harry, Draco, and the others were beginning to pull themselves on top of the HTML file so that they could see it better. 

Remus examined the scene. "Um," he said. "That's me, isn't it?" And he pointed to a large sleeping wolf. Sirius nodded. "Why am I a wolf in broad daylight?" Remus looked worried. "Oh, wait, I know!" Magically, a script popped up before him. He scanned through it at superhuman speed. "Apparently it's the Calling." He got out his camera. "Fascinating…"

Hermione and Ron exchanged looks and took a giant collective step back from the werewolf. "What's with the professor?" he asked.

"Morphine and Janine don't mix," Sirius answered.

Ron nodded sagely. "I noticed."

At that moment, the scene changed, and everyone took huge steps back.

Hermione, strangely enough, was the first to gain her voice. "Ron… what are you _doing_?"

Ron, incapable of speech, didn't answer.

Draco, however, seemed quite interested… in a disgusted kind of way. "Disgusting. Am I dead?" he asked. "No way I would let him do that if I were alive." He took a step closer, holstering the sword (which was still out from part two), and suddenly wasn't surrounded by the rest of the Hogwarts gang anymore, but by people who were…

__

Dead, Draco realized suddenly. _Fanfiction hell_. 

__

Limbo, another voice corrected him, and he nearly jumped out of his skin as he noticed- well, himself- only in spirit form this time, talking with people that seemed oddly familiar. Just like the people in the rest of the fic, they couldn't see him and didn't take any notice of him whatsoever. Draco became thoughtful as he wondered how on Earth he was going to get out of there, when he had an idea. Since he was, after all, supremely powerful in the fic… 

Draco raised his hand and commanded, "_Accio script!_" There was a short delay, then a startled shout from somewhere above him- _way_ above. "Thanks, Professor!" he yelled.

"Who is he talking to?" the muffled voice of Sirius Black asked, before the scene changed again.

Ginny suddenly found that Draco had reappeared beside her. "Would you Malfoys _please_ stop dying?" she asked, shaking her head.

"Sorry," Draco muttered, glowering. "Next time, you can kick the-" He didn't finish, mostly because his eyes had about dropped out of his head. "_What_ is going on _here_?!"

Ginny had taken the script from him and was flipping through the pages like there was no tomorrow. (A/n: That expression doesn't work well in the past tense! Ah well.) In front of the outcasts, images were flying by at an incredible pace- scenes from the Ministry, from the Burrow, and from someplace eerily akin to Hell- 'You can't kill me, I've got magic aaargh…' Ginny laughed- and then her eyes grew wide as saucers and the look on her face reminded Hermione of Peeves on April Fools' day.

"What is it?" she asked, but before Ginny could answer, the scene materialized. 

Ginny's eyes glued themselves to the scene.

Draco was, once again, speechless.

Ron would have been livid, if Harry hadn't been distracting him by laughing so hard.

Sirius and Lupin both turned around and faced the other direction.

Hermione didn't dare blink. "Wow," she breathed. "This is better than television. Can you rewind and play that again?"

Draco finally found his voice. "Imagine that," he said sarcastically. "I'm an Internet porn star. _Why_ do I have to be so sexy?"

Even though it was _his_ sister in bed with Draco, Ron started laughing. 

Embarrassed, Ginny let the script run by itself again.

Remus and Sirius turned their attention back to the events taking place, and soon were quite involved. Remus conjured a couch and Sirius popped popcorn out the end of his wand, and all members of the cast sat and watched their soap opera.

"You know," Harry said, a few hours later, "this is wonderful and everything, but shouldn't we be… um, killing Voldemort or something?"

Draco laughed. "Speak for yourself. Aren't you _enjoying_ the scenery in fanfiction-land?"

One of many Hermiones walked by, this one dressed in a skimpy bikini, and sat herself between Harry and Draco. Harry shrugged. "Well, I can't really complain." (On his right side, Ron and Herm- the 'real' one this time- were engaged in some activity which I'll not describe for its rudeness.) "Or maybe I can," as Hermione's (the one on his right) foot hit him in the face. "Ouch! Hey!"

Ginny, quite busy watching Draco (and sketching his profile into her notebook), pointedly ignored her brother's activities. 

By this time, the fic had run its course, and Sirius and Remus were involved in a discussion that wasn't too intellectual.

"I'm telling you," Sirius insisted, "she's Lily reincarnated! _Look_ at her for goodness sake! Are you blind?"

Remus sighed patiently. "Lily's eyes are green."

"So? James' are brown, but you agree that the guy next to that hot Muggle-born chick is James."

"No, I don't," Remus said, running fingers through his hair in exasperation. "Look- we were in Gryffindor Tower, right? So why didn't we recognize anyone else? Who's the redhead with the Muggle-born? And- _What_ is Malfoy doing with that sword?"

Sirius turned, eyes wide. "This is bad," he said finally. "This is very, very bad."

Remus nodded. "How do you plan on getting us out of this situation?"

Padfoot snorted. "Oh, leave it all up to me, Planmeister Sirius…"

"I came up with the plan last time!"

"What last time?"

"How to spray-paint Simon orange and hang him upside-down from the ceiling in the Great Hall!"

About twenty characters behind the sofa, Draco had given up on fanfiction-land for a while. He wanted to go home to his father's Veela plantation and relax. Thus, he hefted his nifty-cool sword and plunged it into the fifth dimension, ripping the text block open and creating a swirling vortex in the middle of the floor.

Ginny blinked and stammered (mostly because of Draco's unrivaled good-looks), "Wha-t is that?"

Draco gave her an irresistible grin. "A _plot-hole_."

"A plot-hole?" Harry asked, green eyes glittering. "A plot-hole! Brilliant, Malfoy- everyone in…"

They circled the plot-hole and, joining hands (except Draco, who was stubborn as a 65-kilogram Rotweiler), stepped into the yawning abyss.

The seven of them landed with a muffled thump on a huge pillow in the middle of what appeared to be nowhere. That illusion was probably given because it was very, very dark.

"Ouch," Harry said, voice inexplicably muffled. "Ginny, would you mind not sitting on my face?"

"I'll move, once Hermione gets off of my leg."

"Who's foot is shoved up my-"

It took them several minutes to straighten themselves out. Finally, they stood up straight on the cobblestone floor of the dungeon.

Except that it wasn't the Slytherin dungeon at Hogwarts at all. Instead, it was quite unfamiliar to the motley crew of students. "Um," Hermione said. "Where are we?"

Draco shrugged. "You're the know-it-all. You tell me."

"You mean you brought us here, and you don't know where _here_ is?"

Draco retorted, "Would you rather I waited until the next HTML file showed up and you were faced with the dilemma of whether or not to kill your best friend, Black?"

Sirius shut up.

There was a crack like a whip, and a resounding, "Ouch! Bugger off," and then there was silence. Or, there would have been if not for the infernal tapping sound that was getting on Ron's nerves.

"What is that racket?!" he exclaimed aloud.

The tapping stopped, and something whimpered in fear. "Someone's here…"

The whip cracked again and a voice spoke. "Back to work! _I'll_ investigate."

The seven misplaced copyrighted characters exchanged worried looks and backed into the shadows of the dungeon just in time. The footsteps after 'investigate' could be heard getting closer and closer to the area in which they stood, with the gigantic pillow in the middle. Into the circle of light stepped…

Janine.

Sirius hissed in vexation, Remus cowered in horror, Draco tried to hide behind Ginny, and Ron frowned deeply and pulled out his wand. "That," he said, enunciating clearly and taking two giant steps forward, "is my brother's jacket. I challenge you to a duel!"

Janine smiled darkly and reached into her (Charlie's) pocket. When she withdrew her hand, everyone took three steps backwards until they were up against the wall. 

"Run!" yelled Harry, who was made quite nervous by the acid-green quill.

The seven of them ran down the passageway that the astronomer made another plot-hole for and vanished from Janine's sight.

__

Out of sight, out of mind, thought Janine, and tucked away her quill again, satisfied that she'd prevented those sexy but meddling teenagers from distracting her slaves.

Forty paces (really long paces) down the corridor, Harry came to a dead stop. Instead of being red in the face from the face from running, though, he was very pale. His complexion had taken a turn for the worse when he noticed what he'd been passing-

Cells. Hundreds of them, and above each a name. The one to Harry's immediate right held "Sarcastic Draco" and, directly across from it, "Depressed Ginny." Then there was "Pedophile Krum" (and Remus, and Sirius, and Snape, and McGonagall) and "Suicidal Remus," then "Repentant Wormtail," "Vengeful Sirius," "Daredevil Sirius," "Serious Sirius," "Sirius does New York," "Mafia Sirius," "Sirius and His Bike™," "Sirius in Leather," and "Leather-pants Draco™." There were also some that Harry didn't even want to think about, let alone meet, such as "Gay Ron," "Naked Draco," "Draco with Unzipped Leather Pants (pants not included)™," "Perfect Sue," "Draco is Sexy," "Mary Slut" (well, okay, he was a teenager; he wouldn't actually _mind _meeting her), "Remus Eats Someone," and (Harry shuddered to think, "Professor Snape Gets Some."

"This," said Hermione quietly, "is sick."

Some of the cells were empty- Harry wondered where they were. Suddenly, inspiration struck him. "Oh, no!" he said. "I know where we are."

"Great," said Draco. "Where might that be?"

"We're behind the scenes of every Harry Potter fic ever written."

Everyone stared at him. Well, that wasn't true. Hermione's mind was muddled with Mafia Sirius and Ginny's lingered around Leather-pants Draco, while Harry was pondering Perfect Sue.

Finally, Remus spoke. "We have to do something!"

"Agreed," Hermione said, snapping out of her trance. "_Alohomora totalus!_"

The cells opened and each and every character filed out in a very non-orderly fashion. None of them seemed distressed to see carbon-copies of themselves, which was probably because they lived behind the screens of fanfiction.net. 

Everyone turned to Good Plan Draco™, because Harry's plans all sucked and Good Plan Draco was wearing leather. "Okay, everybody," he said. "Here's what we're going to do…"

It was amazing how one could get so used to the irritating tapping noise, Janine thought. In the computer room, numerous hands, callused from the rough keys, typed their owners' ideas. 

Suddenly the sounds of thunder filled the room. Janine jumped, startled. "All right, which one of you is using that cliché?" She surveyed the room, hard stare penetrating each of the slaves' gazes. 

But it wasn't thunder, and it didn't stop. The door to the slaves' room broke open, and a flood of duplicated characters rushed in, led by Fearless Leader Charlie™ .

Many of the authors were shell-shocked at meeting the people they'd created and/or twisted, and so didn't move. The smart ones headed for the nearest window while Janine was distracted, standing on one another's shoulders to reach the bars and start filing madly away at them. (They were allowed to have nail-files to wear away the calluses on their fingers.)

Fearless Leader Charlie pointed at Janine and yelled, "Get her!"

But Janine was too fast. She Apparated away, with the great special effect of a big _pop_ping sound and a flash of lightning. 

"Damn," said Likes To Swear Draco. "What the f*** are we going to do now?"

"Ha ha!" said a sinister laugh from behind the dense crowd. Janine, apparently, had either spliced herself or hadn't gone very far. "Now I have you!"

"Fat chance," said someone. "_Avada Kedavra!" _It was Merciless Killer Voldemort.

Janine should have been dead before she hit the floor, but as she didn't really exist, she only evaporated.

"About time," spat Nastily Moody Draco. "Now how do we get out of here?"

Brainy Hermione laughed. "That's easy." She gestured to the power bar in the middle of the floor. "Just switch it off."

Nobody moved for almost thirty seconds. "Any takers?" asked Shirtless Ron™.

"Oh, for Heavens' sakes," Hermione said. "_I'll_ do it." Moving forward slowly, she reached out and flipped the switch- 

And then there was only darkness.

The lights flickered back on in the Gryffindor tower. Hermione looked around. "Did it work?" 

Harry rubbed his scar. "I think so… I'm not sensing any evil Janines or Janine-slaves…" His voice seemed to echo.

Astonished Ron, facing Harry, looked like his eyes were going to fall out of his head. "Um, Harry…"

Harry turned around, afraid of what he was about to see.

Behind him were Idiot Harry, Bad Plan Harry, Harry is Jealous, and Harry with Firebolt ™.

"Oh, no."

THE END


End file.
